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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29535015">Won’t you breathe what is mine?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilJiji/pseuds/LilJiji'>LilJiji</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blasphemy, Discomfort in religion is more appropriate, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, Friends With Benefits, Loneliness, M/M, Minor Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Sort Of, Suffering, fwb to lovers, more like suffering pining, not really - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 18:34:28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,651</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29535015</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilJiji/pseuds/LilJiji</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Minho doesn’t want much, he wants all he can get. Changbin wants to escape that suffocating gut feeling. Meeting in the middle of their run in opposite directions, running from wolves.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Minho | Lee Know/Seo Changbin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Won’t you breathe what is mine?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Some disclaimers: this is about to get messy and contradictory, confused human beings that suffered on display and love being very complicated. The angst it's not really that heavy, but proceed with caution because I wrote it in a way to be confusing and not as healthy as they should be. I wanted to portray this sort of confusion and fear of being in love and giving so much to the partner. Also, Minho gets blasphemous in some parts, and expresses his hate for religion and church. It has nothing to do with homophobia but mostly is about the worshipping a god and loving in that devotee way. Although I suggest you all to read with care and not assume anything more than this, reading it. I respect those who are religious btw and I was one myself, so it's more a part of myself expressing the discomfort in religion. And Minho is the character that embodies it here, but Changbin is on the same page as well.<br/>Just saying this now bc I don't want anyone to come at me for expressing it this way. That's why there's a blasphemous tag in here.<br/>Also, what is considered tp be romantic in tjis fic is the fact that they try their best because they connect not the struggles they overcome.<br/>If all this is clear, have fun reading this. It was mostly inspired by OMAM's Wolves without teeth. And you will probably finds reference of the song's lyrics in it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If Minho could pinpoint when he felt his heart skip a beat for the first time in his life, it has to be right the night before.</p><p>It’s been almost twelve hours since. Or maybe fourteen. He didn’t have time to check the time. Although he’s been staring at his phone screen for a while.</p><p>His head is a mess, his neck too, and the bedsheets are still warm. That expensive perfume is still in the air, it feels suffocating in a nostalgic way.</p><p>He tries to keep up with what exactly happened last night that brought him to this present situation. And to also justify his now excruciating agony. Time has played him, he is very much alone now, a new phone number on the nightstand – poor taste hotel room, Minho feels nauseous – and a strange gut feeling.</p><p>He focuses on the light outside, it’s almost noon he assumes. His mind is not blurry enough, he remembers everything. He remembers the other’s touch, <em>his</em> hands on him, his lips on his neck as he traces down the marks left. He remembers he felt alive, he felt so fine and he remembers his voice. It’s been too much since he’s been taken that way.</p><p>His phone keeps buzzing, and it’s getting on his nerves now. He tries to reconnect the events, the ghost of him in his head and he wants it to haunt him in his sleep forever, he desires it so much, to live it again and again.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>Last night, after those terrible open bar drinks – he’s never been to a wedding after party with an open bar, but his friend is into cocktails – he felt like he’s had enough.</p><p>He was one drink away from going to the groom and tell him he’ll go back to his room and sleep, because it was getting too much. People trying to shoot their shot with him, women and men and even the bartender and the flowers chosen and the whole place; everything was a mess for his taste.</p><p>He even dressed fancy, and for what? He didn’t really plan a hook up, but Chan kept telling him his friends were <em>neat</em>.</p><p>Spoiler alert, they were not. And neither his husband’s.</p><p>The only pretty decent thing was the music. Chan put the focus on that. But it was not enough for Minho. He won’t show off in front of all those salivating people, not even his attention whore ass could convince him to do so.</p><p>So maybe, since Chan looked pretty occupied, leaving a message and completely disappear was not a bad idea.</p><p>The only real problem? The hotel room was on the opposite side of the streets, and it was raining cats and dogs outside, so he needed his coat. Big fucking problem of the night: find his coat. They have to be at the front door, but to find his, it would definitely take a while. And the music was making him want to dance, but in no way he would come back to the dancefloor.</p><p>And he moved slowly in that direction and only arriving there he realized how much it would take him really: an eternity – one hour more or less, which was basically the same.</p><p>He turned to see the people having fun, drinking, flirting, dancing, his back on the wall and a sense of solitude invading his whole body.</p><p>It’s been indeed a while since he’s been sceptic of romantic feelings, deep and big and important and the ones that made him feel for real a part of the big world that the horrid god everyone worshipped created. Those people loved him, for once they made him not hate things, he stopped hating himself and when he was left alone again, every kind of progress got ripped from him.</p><p>Yes, he was <em>running</em>, from something pretty innocent, but big and scary. Like unarmed monsters that teared his body apart, teared into him and left indelible marks forever. It took him so much to preserve some selflove, something he decided to not give anyone else. It’s like loneliness was creeping from every single aspect of his life, and relationships made it only worse. No one deserved him anyways. Not a single person he met. No one made his heart beat loud, only flatter. And for him it was never enough. He needed everything, needed to feel the partner shake under his touch, feel him deep and connect in ways not known to human kind.</p><p>But what was left in his heart was only hate for the sacral, for the devotion. The worst part about that was that he knew it was bound to end, because being a devotee meant to empty yourself and let other enter. And he’s had enough of that. He wanted to be understood, to connect, to live for real.</p><p>People that got along made his stomach turn, he looked at them almost disgusted.</p><p>And in that very second, an intense cologne in the air and one hand on his shoulder ruined him. Minho dares to say forever.</p><p>He remembers now how his head was a mess last night, how tears threatened to fall from his eyes, probably ruin his make-up in the process, and how that very hand ignited him on place.</p><p>He got so startled but the person standing there in front of him didn’t even flinch. He actually giggled. And Minho is sure it was more beautiful than his favorite song.</p><p>Dark hair, a bold black leather outfit – Chan didn’t really want to listen to his advice and require a dress code so everyone had <em>interesting</em> outfits – and a very good choice in jewels.</p><p>Ok, Minho didn’t get laid in a couple months, true, but the man before his eyes was too <em>fuckin</em> attractive to be real. He was tempted to pinch his own cheek and see if he wasn’t actually dreaming.</p><p>And only by looking at him, he could tell he was ripped, like probably hiding abs or something. Not that Minho cared for that, but <em>damn</em> he was too gone too quick – one minute or so to be precise.</p><p>And when that hand moved from his shoulder to be in front of him, openly inviting him to dance, Minho felt <em>it</em>.</p><p>A heart attack probably, but no, it would have been much better than what he actually felt.</p><p>That stranger in front of him, a soft grin showing teeth in between too red and <em>kissable </em>(he meant to think plump) lips, was actually holding out a hand for him to take. To dance. Only that, of course.</p><p>But still, it broke Minho into pieces.</p><p>He moved to take it, a little shaken, coat and whatever on his mind completely forgotten.</p><p>The stranger introduced himself as Chan’s new friend, and Minho introduced himself as his old friend. Old and new was colliding in his life, and even if Minho felt a terrible sensation – it’s always the new that fucks him up to the max – he brushed it off.</p><p>If it’s temporary, maybe it’s better like that.</p><p>The raven-haired man pulled him a little closer, asking to dance with his words now and Minho is sure if there is a much more melodious sound than his voice, he doesn’t want to know.</p><p>He accepted of course, and the other did show off his dancing skills, enough to make Minho’s resolution for the night crumble.</p><p>He had changed his mind right there, that stranger’s hand on his waist. He didn’t need sleep, or to get out of there no more. He needed to dance forever and his sappiness made him almost let out a choked whine. That man moved divinely, guiding their little dance and for Minho’s been a while clearly. He always got emotional.</p><p>The man makes small talk, he is multitasking pretty well and Minho couldn’t help in the moment and started comparing him to others he danced before. He is something else entirely. And Minho’s so impressed. Even more when he commented that the party bored him and Minho’s first instinct dictated him to tell that man to fuck him against the first wall or table. But he contained himself. Instead he nodded, agreeing and moving to the front door.</p><p>Minho’s hand was holding his – or it’s the case to say the other way around since Minho felt held that night more than ever – and magically, he found his coat in record time and they almost teleported in his hotel room.</p><p>The dark haired man was like the best fuck he had in a while, maybe in the last three years. Minho was not even the fragile person other ex partners wanted him to be. They made him feel some different ways, and nothing like him did. It was too much and not enough at the same time. The way he took his time with Minho, asked every single step of the way, Minho was a mess by the end of the first round.</p><p>And Minho didn’t even realize when one orgasm became three and when one wet towel cleaning him became a soft and warm hand on his hips pulling him so impossibly close and Minho closed his eyes without a second thought, like he didn’t just have the best hook up in a while and he wasn’t sleeping in the same bed with said hook up.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>Minho laughs hard, almost hysterically. What happened last night was something he can’t explain.</p><p><em>Changbin</em>.</p><p>That name was on his lips all night, and in his dreams, he hopes so, probably forever. Minho can’t forget how good it felt, how fucking amazing Changbin was.</p><p>His phone stops at some point and he sends a short message to Chan to tell him he’s fine. He’s actually not really, but at the same time he feels heavenly. That man, with his sweet taste of alcohol, soft lips and inebriant scent fucked him up at 180° in the best way possible. How is he supposed to go back and fuck others now?</p><p>Everything feels stupid at some point. He has no strength in his body to stand up, he doesn’t want to, but he <em>has</em> to. So, he moves a little, stretching his arms, his skin is marked everywhere, he doesn’t even care to hide them much, and takes the number from the nightstand.</p><p><em>Changbin</em>.</p><p>There is something so endearing in his name, and the way he wrote it, next to his number. As if he could forget that name. It found a place in his brain, a thing he would be damned to forget. Changbin didn’t add more on that piece of paper, not a corny <em>call me</em> or whatever people use to get in someone’s pants. Not that Changbin needs it, he probably has a personal group of people he fucks regularly, because how could someone get enough of him? He is too good to be true.</p><p>Minho also remembers Changbin called him some petnames last night, but doesn’t remember it well but he remembers the shivers down his spine. Was it <em>baby</em> or <em>bunny</em> or maybe even <em>kitten</em>? He doesn’t know, but he found it perfect.</p><p>
  <em>Changbin.</em>
</p><p>He puts the little paper in his wallet. No, he will not use it. He doesn’t know why, but he doesn’t want to call him. And to say what anyway?</p><p><em>“Hey, hi, last night was amazing, I was wondering, can you please fuck my brains out again sometimes?” </em>or <em>“you wanna hang out like friends?”</em></p><p>This sound ridiculous.</p><p>And he will probably meet him soon. The groom is awake, and he will get to be introduced to his <em>new friend</em> Chan forgot to tell him about. Who also looks like the best looking guy Minho set his eyes on.</p><p>He needs a shower, he feels all sticky – that man really came prepared with a lube packet and condoms like <em>damn</em> Changbin was more ready than him for that.</p><p>The fact that his sheets were still warm means Changbin woke up just a little earlier than him and even got the time to change. Minho hasn’t seen a pen anywhere so Changbin had his number ready to hand it to someone (or he probably had a pen with him but he felt those pants pretty good and Changbin isn’t gone for that long). And he feels so dumb for playing detectives right now, but he has a good eye for this, he gets details easily, but they don’t get out of his head soon, and that’s a problem.</p><p>Those plump lips on his, those fingers on his skin, and those eyes… Minho can’t forget those eyes.</p><p>Now that he’s up, his legs a little shaky, slowly but surely, he goes to the bathroom.</p><p>He keeps thinking that the room is such of poor taste, but Chan didn’t choose this place so he’ll not be petty with him later. He is not that glad to meet the others, he doesn’t want to get teased about having a I-hooked-up-at-a-wedding-party look, but he also loves his friends and he’s ok with seeing them. Chan is an amazing person, a good friend and he is sure, he’ll be a great husband for Jisung. He has known both for so much, and marring your best friend in your early thirty seems legit.</p><p>He doesn’t care about marriage, again, love messed him up, he has dealt with too much shit and too many people profiting from his kindness. They love to hate him, somehow he always ends up being the bad guy. He’ll not risk again, for no one. Love is too shady for him, he believes better people than him deserve it.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>Not the best shower of his life, but definitely decent for being the first he had to relax in weeks. At least the showers are good in that place. He changes into a long sleeved white shirt and a cardigan, his hair not really styled but he doesn’t care. And definitely no make-up on, it’s suffocating now.</p><p>He can see the entrance of the dining room pretty clearly from where he stands, down the stairs, and counting people he sees there are seven of them. Which means there is one person more with his friends.</p><p><em>Changbin</em>.</p><p>There is indeed a person with dark hair in there – also, Hyunjin is sitting in Felix’s lap and Jisung is his usual self, standing up and being all giggly. He remembers how much he used to make a fool of himself to always make Chan laugh, it’s not necessary anymore but Minho guesses some things never change.</p><p>He approaches them, waiters opening the big glass doors for him – this place is not that bad after all – and walks in their direction.</p><p>He is there indeed, and he turns to look at him.</p><p>Now, why does his heart is still a mess, Minho doesn’t want to know. But he wants to pretend they don’t know each other, Changbin didn’t tell him anything and if he did, he doesn’t remember, he was busy memorizing the shape of his hand on his chest like he could have left an imprint there.</p><p>“Look at the best man!”</p><p>Jisung is loud as usual, Minho covers his ears and narrows his eyes.</p><p>“Did my babies slept well last night?”</p><p>Minho almost slaps himself for that stupid question. He knows what is coming. And he should know it by now, he’s been roommates with Chan for so long he should know–</p><p>“What is sleep when you’re in bed with Jisungie?”</p><p>–<em>that</em>.</p><p>“<em>Ah</em>, I almost forgot to introduce you,” Chan starts, pointing at Changbin still looking at him.</p><p><em>Ah, of course Chan forgot</em>.</p><p>Minho’s eyes evade Changbin’s, but he knows he’s being watched. Intensely. And it makes his legs mush. A reminder, a trace of him.</p><p>Minho sits down between Chan and the <em>stranger</em> and only now gives Changbin a look.</p><p>“This is Changbin, we met like two months ago or so, we’ve been working together and we clicked a lot in terms of music, Jeongin introduced us.”</p><p>Changbin offers Minho his hand, like he did last night – no more than fifteen hours ago probably – and says his name in the same way. And Minho’s heart sparks in the <em>same way</em>.</p><p>Minho looks at him questioning, unsure if to tell the others that they know each other or not. He doesn’t want to lie or keep something, anything, from his friends. Changbin laughs, amused by Minho’s face and places one hand on his shoulder.</p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p>Minho is about to light up like a candle.</p><p>Everyone else is looking at them, confused. Even Jisung sits down, unprepared for that.</p><p>“Don’t make that face, c’mon, I wasn’t keeping it a secret,” Changbin tells Minho, squeezing his shoulder a little and patting it right after, “we know each other, we met last night.”</p><p>Chan’s eyes are so wide Minho is scared they will pop out his skull and roll on the table. Changbin laughs again, winking at Minho. No one can see it, but Changbin’s hand is right on his, fingers drawing soothing circles, probably to calm him down. It’s actually doing the exact opposite.</p><p>What does this man want from him?</p><p>Chan starts asking both questions, but Changbin is better than him at eluding them.</p><p>He doesn’t say a thing about the hook up – he is so convincing that Minho takes a mental note to ask Changbin later, to make sure he didn’t make all that up in his head, he needs to double check somehow – and he only gives random details about how good Minho is at dancing.</p><p>Well, <em>no shit</em>, he is a dance teacher and anyways, Minho wants to open his mouth to do the same. Because he’s the one completely taken aback by someone matching his steps so well. <em>Fuck</em>, not even some teachers he works with are that good.</p><p>Chan asks things that makes Minho’s guts tighten.</p><p>“Well, we separated right after the first dance, I was so tired and we were kind of…” Changbin moves his hand around, the other one now on his thigh, “…a little more than tipsy, and I don’t remember if we talked much.”</p><p>A lie. Only partly, but still a lie. They spoke, so much, too much. But not about what they do for a living or how did they not meet before. Changbin took his time in making a whole damn list of Minho’s most beautiful traits, compliments flying more and more as he basically made Minho only scream his name. He also remembers Changbin asking him if he wants a second round, because he <em>happened</em> to have two condoms and Minho basically threw himself at him, probably too much foreplay for being only the second time in a night, but he remembers, he knows Changbin was mostly sober, and he was as well, and they were so talkative about stuff, like <em>“what do you like?”</em> or <em>“what are you into?”</em> and even <em>“I agree, this light makes you look too orange.”</em></p><p>But he can’t say that out loud.</p><p>The only truth is, they don’t know much about each other. Minho feels like he was just opened in half and put back together two times. Like he would have given Changbin all of himself. But he wants to do it now, he wants to speak with him, to try and find something more about him, because except for the sex, Changbin seems pretty interesting as a person.</p><p>He also looks so different from him, from anyone. Again, he finds himself comparing him with others, he can’t help it, he is from another world and he came into his life like an alien, something that marked him deeper than what his neck shows. He is so fascinating, probably his head is too.</p><p>So, he is a lyricist and composes music, <em>great</em>. Minho could totally see by the way he has with words, the thought of what he said to him last night making his head full.</p><p>Everyone is getting back at their things, for the new weds it’s still a party after all, but Minho doesn’t feel like standing up, he wants, on the contrary, for that chair to swallow him whole and leave nothing behind. Make him disappear.</p><p>But he can’t, so he opts for a light drink instead, it’s not like he’s really hangover with the little – and he dares say disgusting – shots he had.</p><p>Changbin buries into him with his eyes, and it’s making him feel so conscious about what happened last night, he wants to speak about it.</p><p>“So,” the raven starts, getting his attention rapidly as Minho snaps to look at him, “you seem ok, can still walk straight.”</p><p>
  <em>Oh, c’mon…</em>
</p><p>A cocky fucker.</p><p>Just Minho’s luck.</p><p>He rolls his eyes up, unimpressed by that comment. He takes his drink and looks at without responding in any way.</p><p>“Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”</p><p>Minho softens at that, even so slightly.</p><p>“You didn’t, you’re too direct, tho.” He comments, keeping his eyes on the glass.</p><p>“Yea, again, sorry, but I hope you are ok,” Changbin takes his chair and moves closer, so that no one hears them, “because last night was pretty intense.” He admits and only now Minho looks at him.</p><p>“I mean, you really are a quite interesting partner.” Minho can’t help saying.</p><p>“You too, actually, Minho.” Changbin’s hand goes now to the red strands in his eyes, moving them a little, a gesture that makes his shiver slightly. Then he brings it back down, like nothing happened.</p><p>He remembers Changbin complimenting the color last night, under that terrible light that made it look even prettier. He is glad he decided to dye it back before the wedding.</p><p>He also remembers Changbin coming from his high, face nuzzling in his neck and breathing in his skin, hands in his hair, kissing him so much he still remembers the taste, it’s still there, and not even the sting of gin on his tongue can remote it.</p><p>“How so?” Minho takes a sip of his drink.</p><p>“For starters, you are talkative, and I like that,” Changbin doesn’t move an inch, except for his lips, “and you are demanding, I can tell that, but you only asked for little last night,” he leans in to suddenly invade his space, “how so?” he echoes his question and Minho’s heart is beating so loud in his throat.</p><p>Changbin really sees through him, Minho is intrigued now.</p><p>“Well,” he tries to come up with anything, but truly, he has no idea what gave him away, so he decides for the truth, “you made it feel so good I didn’t really need to ask for more.”</p><p><em>“It’s like you knew what to do”</em>, he wants to add, but he doesn’t. He’s blushing like his high school self, but he can’t help it. Changbin eyes him like he’s surprised Minho’s sincere. He probably was waiting for some stupid excuse, or for him to deny it.</p><p>“I’m glad, I had fun.” Changbin says and pauses, but he doesn’t say anything else and takes his shot, fully drinking it and looking away.</p><p>Was he about to say something else?</p><p>Add a <em>“but I don’t want more.”</em></p><p>Or whatever.</p><p>There is always a <em>but</em>, somehow. And probably Minho reads too much into it, but he can tell Changbin doesn’t want to make it awkward. Only that. Not ask him to do it again, not ask to be friends. Perhaps he is regretful, he doesn’t want to really speak more.</p><p><em>Wait</em>, he still has his number. Why did he give it to him then? Did he do that but doesn’t remember? Maybe he regrets that as well.</p><p>They clicked last night, at least to Minho it seems that way. They perfectly found each other, naked in ways he thought he won’t ever feel. And his head is still there, kissing and having sex again and again with him, in that terrible light that gave him a headache, something Changbin found a way to soothe as well.</p><p>Is he becoming too attracted in the span of so little? Definitely, but he couldn’t care less. It felt good, only some made him feel so perfectly in tune with his sexual drive.</p><p>It happens, right? To find a hook up so fucking perfect for you to want more.</p><p>And to want to know them better as well.</p><p>“You’re zoning out, you ok?”</p><p>Minho sees his own reflection being pulled back into his body, memories of last night disappearing.</p><p>“Sorry,” Minho shakes it off, finishing his drink quickly, “I was just lost in my thoughts.”</p><p>“I can see,” Changbin’s hand is on his back and Minho flinches, “sorry,” he removes it but Minho shakes his head, “but I want to talk to you more, Minho.”</p><p>Minho takes a deep breath – his name has no right to sound this good in this stranger’s mouth – a little shaken and Changbin puts the hand on his shoulder, Minho trying to get used to it, “it’s ok, I want to talk to you too.”</p><p>“Good, I thought that maybe we couldn’t speak after what we did, to be honest I don’t do that,” he moves his hands comically and Minho giggles a little, “sex thing or whatever, I really enjoyed it, really, you are a good person I am sure of that,” Minho leans his cheek on his hand and looks at him now, not missing how adorable Changbin’s nose scrunch is as he tries to put his words in an order that makes sense, “and I didn’t want to tell what we did in front of everyone, I hope I didn’t confuse you more.”</p><p>“Actually, you’re a pretty good liar, I thought I dreamed it all for a second,” Minho admits now that he feels at ease in speaking his heart.</p><p>“Fuck, sorry!”</p><p>Minho laughs and waves him off, “it’s ok, I will not sulk for that.” He winks, he doesn’t know if he should have, he is indeed playful with many, but maybe it makes Changbin feel off, judging by his little embarrassed cough.</p><p>“I don’t know how to explain it, you made it so amazing, but I don’t want you to think I am after you or asking you out or whatever, cuz I am not, I don’t even know if we live in the same place or near and I will not pursue you or something.”</p><p>
  <em>Ah.</em>
</p><p>Here’s the <em>but</em> he was waiting for.</p><p>And he doesn’t want to address the number on the nightstand as well it seems.</p><p>Ok then, Minho will pretend he doesn’t have it.</p><p>Maybe it’s Changbin’s way to tell him he doesn’t want more, and that he read it right, he regrets it a little. Minho would too, if he had to sleep with someone, leave right before they wake up, make the mistake to leave his number there and actually meeting him not even two hours later for some sort of lunch with friends. It makes him self-conscious of what happened probably, and Minho changes his mind about him a little. He doesn’t look like the type to fuck around much, but he neither has the face of a heartbreaker.</p><p>“You two have secrets already?”</p><p>Of course, Chan has to bug in.</p><p>“I was actually asking him about his job, I wanna take lessons since I love dancing.” Changbin defends himself.</p><p>
  <em>So, he dances…</em>
</p><p>Quite a surprise, but Minho takes his lie and runs with it.</p><p>“But I know for sure, we’ll not really meet anytime soon, since I have to go back to my hometown for a while.”</p><p>Changbin’s neck snaps to look at him, his reaction revealing his thoughts right away.</p><p>He looks a little disappointed, and Minho can’t help with that.</p><p>“Well, yea, he drives an hour to get to my studio.” Chan adds and gets back to the dancefloor to his husband like he didn’t interrupt something ten seconds ago.</p><p>Yes, Changbin looks a little down after this.</p><p>And maybe Minho is cruel, but he felt like that not even a minute ago.</p><p>Changbin seems to be into playing games rather than actually getting action, and Minho has had enough of this kind of men in his life.</p><p>Although, Changbin is different, but it may be all appearance. Minho doesn’t want to fall for that, god forbit he wants something more for himself.</p><p>Changbin was clear.</p><p>And he wants to be too. But something is telling him he is wrong.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>Not much happens after that day.</p><p>The new weds finally go to their honeymoon, and Minho goes right back home to his parents to visit his cats.</p><p>There is something quite endearing in seeing that place after a couple months.</p><p>He had no intention to go back sooner, but he missed his cats to the max. They always give him love, and he is still sad he can’t take them with him to his new city, but Dori hates traveling too much for Minho to risk.</p><p>A break from work seems like a good idea, when you get to wake up a little late than usual, no one knows you there and you can actually spend time like a tourist.</p><p>Ironically much, he’s always been the <em>nerd</em> his parents always wanted him to be. Never causing fuss at school, studying and minding his business and not having that many friends, except for Chan. And he’s now the opposite. He’s been wilding since college, he’s been into fights as well, he’s been fucking around and he finished school later than his other peers. It’s all part of who he is today, and having the face of their well behaved child gave him the opportunity to let himself go. He hates lying to them, but he hates having to explain himself to others more.</p><p>And here he is, 11am still in bed, not really feeling the need to get breakfast, and three cats on his bed, one of which – Soonie of course – is on his legs. He is excused from moving any time soon.</p><p>His phone has some new notifications, probably all Jisung’s, he’s been sending pics of outfits and Chan all week.</p><p>A week.</p><p>One week.</p><p>That much has passed since he saw the dark-haired man.</p><p>Minho has to be sincere, he didn’t think about him that much. But he didn’t have time for that anyway. Only now that the possibility of having some <em>alone time</em> puts him right in front of those memories.</p><p><em>Changbin</em>.</p><p>No, he has to go on.</p><p>It’s not like he led him on or anything, he’s been polite and ok and <em>fucking</em> good and his hands so skillful an–</p><p>
  <em>No!</em>
</p><p>He can’t keep this up.</p><p>He’s better than this. He has experience in being left alone, in feeling lonely and in finding a good fuck on a Saturday night.</p><p>So it’s all good.</p><p>But it’s actually not.</p><p>He’s at his parents’ house.</p><p>And it’s Wednesday.</p><p>He has the rest of the week to distract, maybe go to museums and… stop thinking.</p><p>He’s so fed up with all the love bullshit. He knew love, and it broke his heart. And he won’t fall again, the emotional drainage he went through all those years gave him an allergy to relationships. Not that he won’t like to fall in love again, but the trigger is there every time.</p><p>Better hooking up with whoever and forget about their names the day after.</p><p>Minho has to admit it didn’t work this time, and <em>Changbin</em> took his time to shape a place in the back of his head. Still, Minho doesn’t feel much for him; they didn’t speak much, they had fun, they went back to their lives.</p><p>Part of him wants to forget about it, but he knows he can’t. They will meet again, Minho is sure, they have friends in common. Another part of him tells him Changbin is different from anyone he met, he will not treat him like a disposable item, but Minho won’t even give this thought a chance.</p><p>If his gut is always right, he knows not to fuck around with the same person more than once. And Minho managed to go against his own rule in one night. To be honest… <em>no</em>, he can’t blame the alcohol since he was pretty sober. Maybe loneliness, that keeps destroying his plans. He’s been so alone the past two years.</p><p>Chan went to live with his now husband, and the others got their shit together as well. Seungmin is a successful man, Hyunjin has asked Felix out just in time for the wedding and he’s still alone. He hates to admit how much he feels left out, how much it affects his mental health. Loneliness is a part of him, he’s been lonely with his past partners too, they never took care of him and made his life a frustrating one. But he’ll have that sometimes, instead of whatever he comes back to after work.</p><p>Quiet.</p><p>Deep silence that echoes and resonates with his heartbeat.</p><p>He doesn’t even want to brag about it to anyone, it’s not fair to blame it on his friends’ happiness. He is ok, he will be fine alone.</p><p>It won’t be such a problem if he was actually the kind of person to not care, but he’s not. He actually wants love again, to feel consumed by someone’s arms around him, to have someone to cradle in his hug when going to sleep, to have his apartment filled with a shared silence, not a forced one. He came to a point in which he’s happy if his neighbors are loud and messy at every hour.</p><p>He craves something intense, and he’ll be <em>damned</em> forever if he admits it’s love. Does he even know what it’s like to be loved?</p><p>Minho shakes his thoughts away, trying to get out of bed and get something to eat.</p><p>He also tries everything to forget for a while.</p><p>His parents <em>love</em> him, they care about him, and he will be fine. The more he tells this to himself the more it sounds fake, but he’ll run with this and ignore the horrible tug he feels in his stomach for the rest of the week, and when Sunday comes, he decides to go drink his pain away.</p><p>Surprisingly enough, there’s almost no people his age in this place forgot by fucking god, but he will not spend his last day there going to church.</p><p>There is this thing he hates to the chore about religious places, something that reminds him how suffocating his family actually is.</p><p>They never hated him for who he is, not that he gave them much time to process or go through it with him. He is used to cut people short of information about his private choices. But places where people pray make him feel stupid. He never prayed, never believed, he followed his parents in everything they did or said before leaving all that behind. Now he’s left with disgust.</p><p>Dumb world that gave him so much, but leaves him gaping for more every single time, a god he doesn’t believe in and that betrays him constantly.</p><p>He feels so much, he gets in quickly and it makes his head hurt, then everything fades to black, outside and inside.</p><p>Alone, in a world that doesn’t deserve much of his attention, but some people took his hand in a way that made him forget about all that. And he will never pay them back enough.</p><p>The drinks are better than those he had at the wedding, but the atmosphere makes him want to puke. He can’t afford to get drunk in a stinky place, so he is out before someone – probably too old for his own liking – approaches him.</p><p>The fresh air is ok, it cools his steamy head, but the moon is laughing at him avidly.</p><p>Minho wants to scream back.</p><p>
  <em>“Take me and leave nothing behind!”</em>
</p><p>This will probably make his friends sad, but he is alone now so he won’t think much about it.</p><p>He is a sad person, he craves to feel <em>something</em>, everything but this.</p><p>It’s like being always chased down, hunted by his ghosts, and those bitches know how to fight <em>dammit! </em>And he is disarmed.</p><p>When and how his exes fucked him so bad? To be afraid to admit with himself how much he wants love again? To be afraid to wait for love?</p><p>He walks so much he is in front of his parents’ house.</p><p>Lights still on, they will look him in the eyes and ask him if he had fun. They always do. Sometimes Minho wishes they scolded him more, maybe he would have ended up better. Or traumatized.</p><p>
  <em>Bullshit.</em>
</p><p>He walks at the door and enters and when he sees his mother, he wishes he can run to her and cry in her lap till falling asleep.</p><p>But he never did that.</p><p>Never.</p><p>And now it’s late to be sincere.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>Strangely coming back to work makes him happy.</p><p>He gets to see some people, his students, other colleagues, other hook ups.</p><p>And he is glad he has an empty apartment to bring people there and let himself go, even with his ghosts staring at him from every corner of his bed.</p><p>Those are so hungry for his flesh, so hungry to see him grow pale, to see him lose his sex drive. A punishment, for being true to himself when everyone left him alone. A revenge, making his body unable to feel things and then devouring his soulless carcass.</p><p>One day he’ll cockblock someone, he’ll send someone home, not doing much, not even touching them. And that day is near, he knows it.</p><p>If the days go smooth – his friends contact him always, they go out sometimes on weekends, Jisung keeps sending pics of his honeymoon trip with Chan – nights are horrific. He even considered taking in a roommate, or a stray cat, or leave one of the hook ups sleep there. He has too many fairy lights flickering in his room, he has the tv on more times than he needs and music to sing to. It’s not even that he is scared to live alone, it’s that those damn wolves always growl at him.</p><p>Emotional neglect turned him into a selfish person, always looking for more. He’ll end up too drunk on weekends he can’t see his friends. It may seem like an exaggeration, and sometimes it is, but he wants to feel, something more intense, feel real pleasure. Not alone every time. He wants to share his love with someone, to share how much love he can give with someone, because he can’t take himself at times.</p><p>Cruel world that makes him fall for people that give no shit about feelings, about sharing, about love. He can’t believe he has to feel dumb at the door of his thirties. And it’s not even about marriage or family, it’s about emotions. It’s about feeling the intensity with the softest of touches.</p><p><em>Changbin</em>.</p><p>Fuck, <em>no</em>–he won’t end up like this. To crave something he can’t have, something he can’t reach, someone he doesn’t even know better.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck!</em>
</p><p>He is alone again in his apartment, after the nth hook up, one of his new coworkers, he is gone, he didn’t leave a single trace in his bed, not enough for the walls to be painted whatever color, to make him fall asleep and now the corners of his room are making an infernal noise.</p><p>He gets up the bed, goes to take a shower and wash away the night. He’ll probably send someone a message, to keep himself from thinking.</p><p>Hot shower and lavender scent surrounds him as he steps under the water.</p><p>
  <em>“You smell like lavender…”</em>
</p><p>Minho’s snaps, looking at his body in the mirror.</p><p>They are fainted, the marks Changbin left on his hips. And the man he fucked today didn’t bother to leave anything behind.</p><p>Better this way.</p><p>His fingers go to his hips, another hand moving the strands of hair that’s covering his eyes. His hair is losing color as well, it’s more peach now.</p><p>
  <em>“Bet it looks even better in the golden hour.”</em>
</p><p>Why must his head torture him like this? And now of all times…</p><p>
  <em>“Lucky for you I love complimenting my partners.”</em>
</p><p>His hand goes to his pelvis, slowly slipping to his shaft.</p><p>He’s so pathetic.</p><p>
  <em>“If no one bothers to get you off properly they miss on a lot.”</em>
</p><p>He takes himself in his hand, already starting to get hard.</p><p>Pitiful.</p><p>Is it really ok to crave someone this way after only one night?</p><p>Probably not, but he is so fucked in the brain to care.</p><p>
  <em>“You know, you have such soft skin, fuck.”</em>
</p><p>Minho’s so hard now it’s starting to hurt, hot water still streaming down his face and hand moving on his cock for release.</p><p>Nothing is enough.</p><p>
  <em>“Fuck, you look so pretty when your back arcs like this, feels good?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Yes, it does.</em>
</p><p>He knows the feeling that builds in his stomach so well, he is so close in so little.</p><p>
  <em>“You move perfectly.”</em>
</p><p>Minho tugs once, twice, and he releases in his hand, sperm getting washed by the water that’s now getting warm.</p><p>
  <em>“You make such a cute face when you cum.”</em>
</p><p>He can’t believe he’s done this.</p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>A month.</p><p>A whole fucking month spent doing nothing but work, get waisted and ignoring his needy ass.</p><p>To be fair, he dedicated some time to himself in many ways, sexually and non, but the loneliness fucked him worse.</p><p>Chan and Jisung are back from their long ass honeymoon – it’s better calling it more a long trip around some European countries that Minho didn’t bother to ask, probably Paris because people in love go there, right? – and of course they invited all their friends to meet again.</p><p>Chan’s choice for a place to drink is ok, maybe the cocktails won’t suck.</p><p>What Minho is not happy about though, is how much his heart is consuming his chest. He knows he’ll meet Changbin again, he knows they won’t be alone, he knows he cannot act like last time, all hazy and lost in his thoughts.</p><p>It’s been a lot, and seeing his friends all together again is really what Minho needs now. Chan finally got rid of that faintly purple, going back to his natural dark curls, Jisung as well, and Hyunjin’s hair is so long, so is Felix’s. His friends changed in so little, but that’s expectable. Seungmin’s back to his light brown hair color – he looks the best in that – and Jeongin as well.</p><p>Now, the silver head he sees from the front door of the bar makes him freeze in place.</p><p><em>Changbin</em>.</p><p>No way.</p><p>Minho feels like the only one who’s the same now. He thought changes has been noticeable on him but it’s not true. He is the same. Same hair color – he used to love changing it a lot and now he’s stuck to one change per year – and same way to dress.</p><p>Changbin though, he has silver hair. And something Minho has to look up better closer on his eyebrow that is shiny. He’s also dressed pretty different from what he thought he would wear, a dark brown sweater and black skinny jeans, all ripped in the <em>right</em> places. He has to remember that he wore a pink fuzzy sweater the day after they fucked, but only now the detail hits him in the brain.</p><p>
  <em>Totally ok.</em>
</p><p>No, it’s not.</p><p>He feels his knees buckle.</p><p>He heads in their direction and Chan is already hugging him tight.</p><p>“Missed you so much, Minho.”</p><p>Minho hugs him back, waving at his husband – it feels so good to call Jisung that – and the others as well.</p><p>Changbin gestures him a <em>hi</em> while taking a shot, probably not the first of the night.</p><p>Minho sits down, chin on his palm and listening to Jisung’s exciting tales about their long trip. He loves to see his eyes shine so much, loves to see him looking at Chan with such adoration, loves to see them kiss. If there is love in this dumb world, theirs is the purest form. Jisung’s mouth is heart shaped, he is all for love and Minho is too glad his best friend found someone like him to love and receive it back.</p><p>Minho sighs, a soft smile on his lips, content seeing all the noise washing off the stress of a whole month.</p><p>He feels Changbin’s eye corners spying on him. He acts like he wants to approach him, but doesn’t at the same time. He looks awkward, and it almost makes Minho coo out loud.</p><p>It’s been a while since they saw each other, and yet they still cannot find a way to speak. Changbin might have been pretty drunk then, because that night he ran his mouth so much. But sex can make people more comfortable and confident than other activities. Minho decides he doesn’t care much, if the other wants to initiate any sort of dialogue, he’s not running away. He has other things to run from anyway.</p><p>Minho refuses many drinks, he accepts only Jisung offering him one, for helping him that day – he actually doesn’t remember when he’s bought the tie, but Jisung adores it and that’s the only thing that matters – and he needs some alcohol to keep his steady face in place, and an excuse if he does something stupid, or shows too many emotions.</p><p>His friends always know what he needs, how to keep him grounded and distract him. Seungmin’s favorite arguments with him are books, they exchange a lot of recommendations and it keeps him busy. It’s also good escapism from the shitty reality of his uninteresting life.</p><p>Minho wonders if Changbin’s music would be a good way to evade reality. If his music is good as Chan’s, there is a chance Minho is fucked. Completely. Because he always falls for artists.</p><p>Changbin is now looking at him, eyes fully focusing on his face and pretending to listen to him, sometimes giving a look to the others dancing in the crowd. His eyes are like needles that pass through him, but he has no strength to escape them.</p><p>Jeongin stands up and asks them to dance but before Minho can protest, two of them are out his sight and he is left alone with the other man. Changbin scoops closer with his chair and Minho can see the piercing clearly now.</p><p>Changbin takes another shot quickly – Minho’s curious who’s driving him home – and lets out a long airy sigh.</p><p>“What?” Minho dares to ask, looking at his glassy eyes.</p><p>He’d love nothing more than comb his hair with his fingers and kiss his eyelids.</p><p>“You act like a stranger.” Changbin trails out and lets his head fall on the table, forehead adhering the plain surface. He then stretches his arms a little.</p><p>“Uh, we kind of are,” it takes everything in his body to not place his hand on his back to rub it.</p><p>“It’s too much if I ask you to come with me to the bathroom?” Changbin murmurs with a sudden strained voice.</p><p>“Will you finally throw up the alcohol you fed on all night?”</p><p>“No, I need to pee but I don’t trust myself walking,” Changbin says, not moving the rest of his body. Minho now sees his eyes are closed tightly.</p><p>“Let’s go then.”</p><p>When they close the door of the bathroom, Changbin seems to walk just fine to the toilet and Minho lets go of him, turning to face his own reflection.</p><p>He’s not born yesterday, and Changbin’s not a good liar at all.</p><p>Minho sees the door open and scoffs, “you feel ok now?”</p><p>Changbin nods, then adds, walking in his direction, “but I need to wash my face now.”</p><p>Minho moves from his way as he gets to the sink. Good thing that place looks cleaner than other bars he’s seen, probably because is Chan’s friend’s.</p><p>“Anything else?” Minho doesn’t want to sound so pissed, but he’s actually so confused about Changbin acting so falsely.</p><p>“I want to talk to you, actually,” his lips are so pretty, water dripping slowly on his cheeks and down his neck and Minho is losing his mind, “because when we’re with the others you keep ignoring me, and I want to know why.”</p><p>“Changbin,” Minho starts, leaning on the sink next to his, to still have some distance between them, “we only met twice, this is the second time we meet, and the first one I woke up after a wedding and after having fucked you two times the same night, so excuse me if I don’t know how to behave.” Minho lets out frustrated, trying to maintain his tone as unfazed as he always does.</p><p>“Your usual is fine, I wanna know the casual Minho,” Changbin passes a tissue over his face, getting closer, “I would love to know you better.”</p><p>Minho doesn’t know in which way he wants to <em>know him better</em> but his hand on his shoulder, slowly sliding down his chest, speaks a little more that his words. Minho leans in the touch – will he be able to blame it on the little alcohol he had? – and Changbin’s thigh goes between his legs, just chilling there, as his palms stop on his waist.</p><p>“Stop me if you want to,” Changbin says on his ear, “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”</p><p>What about making him too comfortable?</p><p>Making him too eager, making him too into it, making him forget everything and all the good resolutions he planned all the time to keep himself in check. And down on earth.</p><p>Minho feels himself getting a semi already, which is so embarrassing considering he swore to himself he won’t sleep with him again.</p><p>Unless, Changbin wanting the same.</p><p>“It’s fine,” Minho breathes out, and Changbin tugs him closer, chests fitting together and their hips touching now.</p><p>Minho arcs under his attentive hands, and lips softly touching his neck, going from his jaw and his pulse.</p><p>Minho is a slut for slow touches, those that make him shiver.</p><p>“I wanna suck you off,” Changbin says almost out of breath, on his skin, “I didn’t do it last time,” he adds, hand going past his stomach and lingering there.</p><p>
  <em>Last time, huh?</em>
</p><p>“Can I, Minho?”</p><p>Why must his name sound so good in his mouth?</p><p>This is wrong.</p><p>He should not fuck the same person twice, not someone like Changbin who looks like this, and they really don’t know each other, even though they clicked but <em>no!</em></p><p>He should not–</p><p>“Yes,” the word is out before he can control himself, feeling Changbin’s hand slipping down to his tend forming there, locking eyes with him and Minho is so close to scream.</p><p>–but he wants to, so bad.</p><p>Changbin is pretty on his knees, sucking on his cock so avidly, it gives Minho too much power though. And even if Changbin has his mouth pretty busy, he still finds time to pop off from time to time to comment on things, like he is guiding himself in. And dropping a compliment or two to rile him up.</p><p>“I can’t believe we fucked two times and I didn’t have you in me, it’s a shame.”</p><p>It’s too much for Minho, he wants to yank him off his dick and fuck him there, but he can’t and he won’t. So he stops him only, “won’t come inside,” Changbin pouts at that, “don’t sulk, the fuck!”</p><p>And when he comes in a random tissue, he wants all the world the swallow him whole, because Changbin gets himself off still on his knees, moaning his name and his eyes are on him the whole time.</p><p>And they are lucky no one opened that door yet.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>Minho swears to god he didn’t mean to do that again.</p><p>Changbin just wanted to fuck – <em>yes</em>, they spoke after coming back to the table, drinking a little together even, the tension did attenuate, but still, Changbin is a mystery. At this point he is not interested in him any other way.</p><p><em>Casual</em>.</p><p>Two people meeting because they have friends in common, <em>casually</em> doing sex stuff both times they meet – Minho counts the night and day after the wedding as one, to him it was only one long day – and completely becoming strangers since they don’t want to exchange information or numbers.</p><p><em>Well</em>, that last part is not true. Minho has his number still in his wallet, strangely right where he puts his cats’ picture.</p><p>Again, he feels pitiful.</p><p>It’s not even about the sex anyway.</p><p>It’s ok to fuck around, but Changbin keeps saying he wants to know him better, but never asks the right questions. And Minho is sure he knows what those are.</p><p>Is he afraid? No way someone can beat Minho at fear of showing emotions, but <em>goddammit</em> Changbin is really trying his best to compete.</p><p>He’s home for the day, it’s been almost a week since he went to the bar, he feels alone, <em>nothing new</em>, and he has the wallet on his nightstand.</p><p>It’s raining outside and Minho keeps listening to Chan’s new album on repeat – the one he composed with Changbin and Jisung – while reading the same three phrases of a Dostoevsky book he wishes he read long ago. He can really understand Raskolnikov, but the book is pissing him off. Changbin’s voice mixed with the rain knocking at his windows makes him sleepy, but he’s too anxious to get sleep. If he gets nightmares again, he’ll wake up at 4am and never sleep for another 40 hours.</p><p>So instead, he turns the volume up, and takes his phone. He can’t send messages this late to Chan, or Jeongin since he is probably working still, so maybe it’s time to take the wallet and do what he’s been tempted to do for a while now.</p><p>Changbin never mentioned that he gave Minho his number that morning, not once he alluded to it. But loneliness consumes Minho more than ever tonight, and the rain keeps pouring like that, nothing can distract him from the sound of it.</p><p>So here he is, wanting to hear from him, wanting to hear his voice.</p><p>Wanting to connect with him.</p><p>So, he inserts the number and presses call.</p><p>How bad can it be? Maybe he is chilling, maybe he’s working on music late at night, maybe he won’t even answe–</p><p>“Yea?”</p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>“Hi,” Minho says and clears his throat, suddenly nervous like he’s making an important work call, “it’s M-Minho.”</p><p>Silence.</p><p>He can’t even hear Changbin breathe, and he’s about to close the call and block his phone and break it on the wall, his guts are doubled over.</p><p>Then, he hears a soft laugh.</p><p>“For a moment I thought you didn’t have my number anymore,” he hears Changbin shift, and now music in the background as well, very faint but there, “I thought you won’t ever send a message.”</p><p>Another soft chuckle and Minho relaxes the shoulders a little, falling flat on the bed and looking up.</p><p>“I just happened to find it in my wallet, I forgot about it, sorry.” He lies, hiding his eyes in one hand as if Changbin could see him now and read through him.</p><p>“Glad to see you found it, then.” Changbin sounds strange, short of breath and Minho grows suspicious.</p><p>“Do I disturb you or something?”</p><p>“Not really, I have tons of work to do tho,” he answers and Minho hears him shift again, “why do you call, something happened?”</p><p>“You told me you want to know my usual self, well, I call my friends usually,” Minho wants to add, <em>“because I’m lonely.”</em> but keeps his mouth shut, “but if you prefer messages…”</p><p>“Actually,” Minho hears him move and the music stops, his being the only one to keep him company now, “I am waiting for an important call.”</p><p>“Sure,” Minho says and rolls his eyes, his voice maintaining a flat tone to not show the sarcasm it hides, “this is my number, I hope we can talk again.”</p><p>“Can’t wait for that.”</p><p>And everything stops just like this.</p><p>Minho throws his phone on the bed – he wants to hug one of his cats now – and stares at the dimmer streets outside the window.</p><p>He knows that airy voice.</p><p>“Important call my ass!” Minho mumbles to himself.</p><p>Changbin just lied to him, yet again.</p><p><em>Fuck</em>, he probably didn’t even expect Minho to call him after so long and basically interrupt him.</p><p>With that thought in mind, Minho’s hand is on his crouch, pressing on it slightly.</p><p>
  <em>Unfair.</em>
</p><p>It feels too good.</p><p>The thought of him is simply unfair.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>Minho doesn’t hear from him for a couple of days.</p><p>He doesn’t know why, and he doesn’t try to send a message anyways. He throws himself in his job, he keeps up with some colleagues and nothing more.</p><p>He’s not in the mood for sex, he’s not in the mood to get drunk. He’s not even in the mood for showers, but those are not skippable.</p><p>And when the weekend comes finally, his phone wakes him up from a half nightmare he was having. He realizes he forgot the shutters up last night, probably because he stared out the window far too long, but it’s now letting too much light invade his room.</p><p>The buzzes won’t stop, and Minho is grateful for waking up earlier. It’s about 9am, and on a free day, it’s a crime to wake up at that hour but he’ll take that than whatever he was dreaming of. He hopes to remember them, the nightmares that sometimes play with his fears, but he’s only left with a bad sensation all day and not one clue of what the dreams are about.</p><p>He stretches and when he unlocks the phone, it almost slips from his hands.</p><p><em>Changbin</em>.</p><p>He sent many messages, not even five minutes ago. And he is rambling about work, there are some food pictures as well.</p><p>He shifts to sit with the back on the headboard and reads all the messages the other spammed and keeps sending.</p><p>One especially gets Minho’s attention.</p><p>
  <em>“I wanted to show you my usual self.”</em>
</p><p>More like flood him with bits of his everyday routine, but Minho finds it sweet.</p><p>Changbin sends in his breakfast, a picture of his laptop and names of songs on a long list of what Minho thinks are his WIPs and other messages with lots of bunny emojis.</p><p>
  <em>Cute.</em>
</p><p>Somehow Changbin is both dark and soft at the same time. He’s gorgeous when he sits there in bar lighting and adorable when he gets closer to him or laughs with his teeth.</p><p>A pink bunny with dark eyes. For some reason the image makes him giggle, as he keeps scrolling through the messages.</p><p>
  <em>“You wanna hear what I’m working on?”</em>
</p><p>Minho’s heart jumps in his chest.</p><p>It’s one of the last messages – with a full of whiny emojis <em>“please wake up, it’s late!!!”</em> – and it’s been only a minute since he has send it.</p><p>Minho yawns, then rapidly sends a <em>yes</em>, covering his eyes from the blinding light and he can’t even place the phone down, because Changbin is calling him.</p><p>He yelps but tries to answer without his hands shaking too much.</p><p>“Good morning, sunshine.”</p><p>His voice is <em>sweet.</em></p><p>Minho scoffs at that, “pretty awake I see.”</p><p>It’s such a contrast, Changbin’s voice sounds so happy now, unlike two days ago when it seemed so heavy.</p><p>“You wanna hear?” Changbin asks suddenly.</p><p>“Can you wait till I go to the bathroom at least?” Minho says standing up from the bed.</p><p>“Don’t tell me you’re still in bed?” Changbin laughs amused.</p><p>“I woke up not even ten minutes ago, man let me live…” Minho whines, “…give me a moment.” He leaves the phone on the bed and goes right through the bathroom door, washing his face and at least brushing is messy hair – that also looks a little healthier now that the color is fading, he’ll probably dye it back to black.</p><p>When he comes back he hears music from the phone and smiles a little. He takes it, not telling Changbin he’s back just yet and walks to the kitchen to grab something to eat. And coffee, before he collapses.</p><p>“You there?” Changbin asks when he doesn’t hear him.</p><p>Minho sits at the table, sipping his coffee, “yea, go ahead.”</p><p>Changbin turns the music on, letting his phone sit on the desk, at least Minho thinks he does since he can hear it clearer now.</p><p>It’s a cute song, not really upbeat, with some low instrumental tones. It’s beautiful, even if it’s too short.</p><p>“I’ve been working on it for the last two weeks and I can finally see it coming together.”</p><p>“It’s very pretty,” Minho comments taking another sip, “you make beautiful music, I was listening to Chan’s album last time.”</p><p>“I know.” Changbin says simply, playing another song now.</p><p>Now this… this sounds melancholic, it gives Minho shivers.</p><p>He finishes his coffee and takes a bite of his long-forgotten toast with butter, the phone on speaker and his eyes linger on the window, looking outside.</p><p>The music stops before Minho can actually drown in it, and Changbin’s voice takes its place, explaining something about the track and how much he thought of himself composing it.</p><p>“I can send it to you, if you want.” Changbin says suddenly.</p><p>“Whoa, you can do that?” Minho gasps, abandoning his food.</p><p>“Yes, if you like it enough.”</p><p>“Isn’t it for someone?”</p><p>“Nop, it’s for myself, I am adding it to my SoundCloud when it’s done.”</p><p>“Ok, then, I like it enough,” Minho says and again his voice cuts off before adding, <em>“and it makes me think of you.”</em></p><p>“Sweet, I will send it later, before lunch, what’s the plan for today?”</p><p>Changbin is trying pretty hard to speak to him and Minho is still awkward about it, but appreciates it.</p><p>“Take a shower, Netflix, hang out with some friends tonight.”</p><p>A half-truth, – he took a shower last night after work but he will probably end up taking a bath – an obvious fact and a big fat lie.</p><p>“Not bad, what are you having for lunch?”</p><p>“Probably pasta.” Minho deadpans.</p><p>Changbin can’t hold a conversation it seems, but better this than nothing.</p><p>“I see, you’re going now?”</p><p>“To do what?”</p><p>“Shower.”</p><p>“Ah, sure,” Minho takes the rest of the toast and mouths at it bitterly, “hear from you later, then.”</p><p>“Yea, sure,” Minho hears him clicking on the keyboard fast, “um, bye.”</p><p>“Bye.”</p><p>That’s definitely the worst way to keep a conversation up. Maybe they need to actually speak more, to change arguments.</p><p>Minho would actually love to know what’s in that man’s head. His music gets him emotional, it’s so good and it reminds him of Chan’s. Speaking of his best friend, he remembers him mentioning something about Changbin being a good lyricist like Jisung, and Minho can definitely tell. Not everyone is familiar with Jisung’s music as they are with Chan’s but Minho knows how much the younger works his ass off to write good lyrics, and how he became very confident in that with time. Changbin’s writing – Minho knows he wrote for one of his favorite tracks of the album – is sublime. It slaps him in the face with honesty, and Minho craves to know him better more than ever now. He may act very secretive but Minho is sure he’s not. He seems wounded as him, listening to this music. That, or he is very good at explaining raw emotions.</p><p>Minho knows he’s too far away from him. But he wants to reach for him, he’s sure Changbin has something more to say than just this. He saw it in those brief moments where they got lost locking eyes.</p><p>Probably, it won’t change a thing between them. Or probably everything. He doesn’t know, but he wants to get him. He wants to connect with him.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>And it seems that for once, the heavens stop hating him that much.</p><p>For the next two weeks – after that weekend in which Minho mostly watched too many tv series and dread fell upon him, at fault being the books he can’t focus to read – Changbin contacts him so much it almost overwhelms Minho.</p><p>It starts with little messages in the morning, sending him music and speaking about his job, and becomes a complete different kind of discussions. Changbin opened up to him slowly, painfully slowly, but sometimes Minho asked for him to elaborate, not to have some sort of confession from him – that’s what churches and god does and he abhors it – but mostly to communicate him that he cares.</p><p>And he actually answers, so much it’s suffocating.</p><p>Changbin speaks like he is some sort of old man with too many years that keep his body lean under the pressure of time, and Minho really wonders what happened to him.</p><p>And questions he asks himself, Changbin somehow, with a couple hours of <em>connecting</em>, answers them spontaneity, pouring in his heart. And Minho takes it and keeps it dearly in his hands, and sleeps with it at night. It has a way to keep him warm and the ghosts away.</p><p>Probably Changbin knew neglect as well in his past relationships, at least this is what he thinks of when he remembers his words. People that gave him too much too soon, didn’t have patience with him and rushed him into stuff, made him want to run away from everyone, <em>damn</em> Minho hopes he’ll not get to treat him that way.</p><p>After having their – mostly Changbin – hearts on display with each other, Minho fears that he is feeling something for him. He won’t tell him that, he won’t even try to show whatever he may feel for him, but it’s there, in front of him.</p><p>What has Minho learned in two weeks as well? That he was right about Changbin, he is a different breed. He feels like him, listens like him and he is soft and sweet and delicate but so, so strong as well. He is not capable of hating probably, he is a person who wants to show love, at his own pace, but this fucked him up. Because Minho fears he might play people on his fingers as well if he’s not careful. The man told him that as well, one night when they were both too tired to message and Minho called him, staring at the cars going fast on the streets. Changbin told him that night that he wants to give love a chance, he wants to meet people, he wants to fall in love, but he keeps running. He can’t make up his mind, at that point is pretty evident he is letting out a big part of himself. And giving it to Minho.</p><p>He also remembers Changbin’s tone being so exhausted, and what he told him after.</p><p>How much does this man carry?</p><p>And why they are both running, and meeting like this?</p><p><em>“It’s too much,”</em> Changbin said that night and his voice sounded like he was on the verge of tears.</p><p>
  <em>“What?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Everything, Minho, I feel so overwhelmed, I know what is happening and yet, I have no time to rationalize it, to take a deep breath, to stop.”</em>
</p><p>He rethinks about that conversation and sadness washes over him again.</p><p>It also makes him feel all over the places, how much he wants to take care of Changbin. Minho’s the type to want to connect with people because he needs to open up, to talk about his dark self, the one that is afraid, the one who shakes at night, alone in purple light. But for some strange reason, he’s a listener with Changbin. He spoke about his lonely state only once, and didn’t really say everything he craved to, but he feels content about that decision now. It’s like he didn’t need to do such thing with Changbin.</p><p>Maybe he’s taking his loneliness from him?</p><p>Without feeling the way he always did, can he truly be himself?</p><p>Will he feel the same and enjoy the same things without some terrible wolves growling at his back?</p><p>Minho, for once, decides he doesn’t care. And it feels liberating, it feels strangely good, but for how long? Will he learn a balance between too much and not enough?</p><p>Minho feels lonely and wants for it to disappear, but he also lingers in it as an excuse to run from his past and the thought of loving again. Changbin feels overwhelmed and wants for it to stop, but he also gives in as an excuse to run from his wolves, the thought of loving again. But also, Minho is scared to fall for Changbin, but wants love again, even if he’s afraid he will be too much. And Changbin is running from his own feelings because he feels overwhelmed by the simple thought of love.</p><p>Both wanting it, both running from it. One craves much, the other craves less.</p><p>They cannot work.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>Or maybe they can, if they learn about their boundaries.</p><p>At least, this is what Minho thinks after a whole month spent chatting with Changbin.</p><p>He gives him a lot, makes him feel good, makes him care. But he also gives mixed signals, he kind of flirts and he kind of brings sex into conversation more and more. He shows him he is interested and suddenly, he isn’t anymore. And it starts to drive Minho crazy. Minho sinks in his attention, his way to speak to him, like he’s making love to him with his words. They end up connecting over music so much, connect over a lot of different things and speaking for too long at night.</p><p>Changbin is playful and he is always alluding to something, but it’s not enough to convince him Changbin can even so slightly be interested in him the same way, although they get each other well.</p><p>For a moment, Minho imagines being in Changbin’s place. Changbin feeling like <em>he</em> is the relict ship, sinking in Minho’s sea, drowning in him, and he wants it to consume him, but he can’t, he won’t let himself feel more of it, so he has to stop. Changbin is running from something, he eludes arguments, he probably can’t escape his demons as well.</p><p>Minho is like panting every single day. And probably, Changbin does as well.</p><p>
  <em>This is dumb.</em>
</p><p>These days have passed like this mostly, feeling too into it, being dragged down to the pit of the ocean and drowning in Changbin’s voice. And his head is feeling all over the place.</p><p>If only he could really see through Changbin, to really understand him. More than two months since he’s known him, and of course, these are not enough to know each other completely, but he likes him.</p><p>Days that suffocated him now are slowly getting to an end. He can always count on his friends, and on him now, but at the same time, he still feels so exhausted.</p><p>He wants to plan tomorrow in a different way. Wants to go to the library, wants to look for different books, wants to not look too much at the phone, now that he finally has a free week.</p><p>Will he able to calm down? The anxiety having a hold on his throat will eventually stop?</p><p>His phone starts ringing.</p><p>
  <em>Apparently, no.</em>
</p><p>Minho takes it and answers without really looking.</p><p>He knows who’s calling anyway, but it’s past dinner and honestly, he doesn’t know what he might want to tell him at this hour. Maybe something happened, he feels lonely, Minho doesn’t know but he’s anxious to find out.</p><p>“What you doing?”</p><p>Minho wants to punch the wall.</p><p>“I just got out of shower.”</p><p>Not really a lie, but it’s been a good hour since he’s done showering and he is basically staring at the walls with <em>Poe</em> abandoned on his chest.</p><p>“I’m in town,” Changbin spurs out, “yours,” he adds.</p><p>Minho snaps, sitting up.</p><p>“Wanna come over?” Minho says suddenly.</p><p>He wants to slap himself for it, but before he can be sorry, Changbin speaks, “sure, send me the address.”</p><p>
  <em>Huh?</em>
</p><p>“O-ok, here.” Minho doesn’t even have time to go back with his mind to what just happened.</p><p>Changbin ends the call, and Minho is left with his phone in hands and his address sent to the man he wanted to see so bad for the last days.</p><p>How come the cruel world doesn’t take pity on him?</p><p>It’s too late, Changbin is on his way to his house and Minho’s heart beats so fast he hears it in his ears.</p><p>How should he behave?</p><p>What should he tell him?</p><p>Minho feels like they didn’t even speak much, which is so untrue. They shared so much, <em>yes</em>, they didn’t speak face to face, but Changbin’s voice in his ears crying for help was enough of connection and communication. Of course, he craves to see him more.</p><p>Changbin leaves him speechless with his casual way to approach things. He did from the start, when he just gave him his hand that night. And Minho is so happy he took it. A part of him wonders what would have happened if he didn’t, or if he ended up disappearing from the party an hour earlier.</p><p>Would he still be the same?</p><p>Did Changbin change him, or did he give him the chance to actually spit his heart out?</p><p>Minho doesn’t really know.</p><p>He’s been sincere, with everyone he got to know. Him and Chan shared things they both aren’t proud of, with Jisung he had so many amazing experiences and he treasures his two best friends so much, but no one can be Changbin.</p><p>Changbin with those soft hands he never wants to let go, Changbin with his sweet voice and contagious laugh, Changbin with his beautiful music.</p><p>When he hears someone ring at his door, he almost falls from the bed.</p><p>
  <em>Already?</em>
</p><p>He’s quick, he didn’t even have time to pretend to clean his apartment, his book has been on the floor for more than ten minutes now; he takes it and leaves it on the nightstand, then goes to open the door.</p><p>Changbin is there.</p><p>In front of him.</p><p>His hair looks somehow a dark blue now, he didn’t know he dyed it again, and he has a leather long jacket on: Minho can’t make it.</p><p>He invites him in, and when he closes the door Changbin hugs him, “hi.”</p><p>It’s so sudden Minho’s short of air, let alone words to reply. It’s not tight at all, and it’s warm, despite the cold hems of his jacket tickling Minho’s neck.</p><p>Changbin puts some distance between them slowly, “missed you.”</p><p>Now, that’s what makes things complicated. Minho wants to scream so bad.</p><p>“Me too, come, I’ll show you the apartment,” he says taking his hand on instinct, Changbin holds it and follows him, not before kicking off his shoes rapidly.</p><p>That’s what adults do, right? Show apartments to friends, drink coffee or smoke, speak about how their workplace sucks. The talk about family is off limits unless there’s weed involved and one alludes at trauma of any kind. It’s always out parents fault, and we are just children refusing to have kids of our own.</p><p>Maybe all that stuff should be done in a living room, not in his bedroom, on the floor, eyes on the window like it’s some kind of tv show. But it’s a little late for that, because Changbin is at his second cigarette, and Minho is sure the other doesn’t smoke often.</p><p>“You have a cute place,” he lights up the cigarette again, “but I get what you said last time about feeling alone in here.”</p><p>“You do?” Minho sighs, not really focusing on anything.</p><p>“Totally, I can see you trembling alone in your bed, lights up and music on loop… maybe taking in a pet should be a good idea, or a roommate.” He trails out, smoke covering his features a little.</p><p>Changbin tastes of tobacco for sure now, and Minho doesn’t like the smell. He never wanted to smoke, but he always was a passive smoker. It reminds him suddenly of his hometown, and he shakes the thought off before getting too heavy.</p><p>“I thought of that, but I prefer quiet.”</p><p>“Find someone to be quiet with.” Changbin presses the rest of the cigarette in the ashtray.</p><p>
  <em>“Like you?”</em>
</p><p>“Like who?”</p><p>“I don’t know many people for that.” He shrugs.</p><p>Minho stands up, stretching his limbs and looks at him, “I’m in my fucking 30s, I don’t need roommates.” he turns to sit on the bed now, legs down and feet touching the carpet, and Changbin looks up at him, his neck revealing from his jacket better now. He has it loosely down his shoulders, and Minho wants it off completely. He looks too good in it, but the short sleeves shirt underneath maybe looks even better.</p><p>“Not yet 30s, but I get you,” Changbin scoops near the nightstand now, sliding adorably with his ass on his fuzzy carpet, to place his head next to where Minho has his legs, “although, you still feel so alone.”</p><p>“I cannot escape it anyways, it just feels too much when I remember who fucked me up.”</p><p>Changbin scoffs at that, not amused but somehow concerned. And as that he leans his ear on one of his thighs.</p><p>“What are you reading recently?” Changbin reaches for the book on his nightstand.</p><p>“<em>Pit and the pendulum</em> by Poe,” he says, passing him the book.</p><p>“I thought you had nightmares from horror stories.” He takes it and moves to stand up.</p><p>“Sometimes I want something intense.” Minho deadpans.</p><p>“It’s your favorite story by Poe?”</p><p>“Yes,” Minho falls flat on the bed, looking at him from his new position, “yours?”</p><p>“<em>Hop-frog</em>.” Changbin sinks slowly on the bed.</p><p>“Interesting.”</p><p>It truly is, but mostly because it’s <em>casual</em>. They share things this way, everything in common they have is <em>casualty</em>.</p><p>“You as well,” his hand goes to his face, but doesn’t touch it yet, only after Minho hums and closes his eyes, and the way his skin lights aflame under his fingers speaks for itself.</p><p>The simplest of gestures, simple as their relationship could be.</p><p>“You’re so pretty, it’s unfair.”</p><p>“You’re unfair.” Minho argues, leaning in his touch, Changbin’s thumb tracing his cheek.</p><p>It feels good, to have him around, to breathe next to him, to hear him take off his jacket and fold his legs next to him, to feel his hand cupping his face.</p><p>“<em>Minho</em>…”</p><p>Was that a whine just now?</p><p>“What?” Minho peeks from his eyelashes.</p><p>He’s so red, Minho has seen him a month ago be like this, or on some of their rare videocalls.</p><p>“Can we… uhm,” Changbin drawls out, suddenly acting shy.</p><p>
  <em>Ah.</em>
</p><p>“Ask properly, Changbin.”</p><p>“Want to touch you more, can I?”</p><p>
  <em>Fuck!</em>
</p><p>Changbin shifts to sit better next to him, leaning in.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>He can’t resist him.</p><p>So be it, at least they will have something together.</p><p>Minho would give him everything, right there, if only he asked.</p><p>Changbin’s palm goes to his chest, caressing slowly, while his lips find his ear, “can I kiss your neck?”</p><p>“No marks, I have work next week.”</p><p>“They’ll fade till then.” He says on his pulse, kissing the sensitive skin.</p><p>“They didn’t last time, and I’m not risking it again.”</p><p>“<em>God</em>,” Changbin snaps his neck to lock eyes, “did I mark you that bad?”</p><p> “Kinda, yea.” Minho laughs softly, mostly at Changbin’s red ears. He’s in no place to laugh, since his are worse, but he finds it cute and cannot resist.</p><p>“Sorry, you’re still ok with me kissing you neck?”</p><p>“If you don’t suck on it like your life depends on it, yes.”</p><p>“Promise, I’ll be good.” Changbin winks, and Minho gets impossibly red at that.</p><p>Changbin’s hand goes down, slowly handling his shirt to slide a hand underneath and touch his bare skin. Strangely, his hands aren’t that cold, but his fingers still manage to make him shiver.</p><p>Minho arcs his back a little and Changbin takes advantage of it to place his arm under him and lift him upwards, Minho hands getting on his chest.</p><p>Changbin works out and it’s not news to him, he felt his bare muscles under his palms but he’s so happy to have a chance to do it again.</p><p>While his hands wander on his clothed skin, Changbin leaves open mouth kisses on his neck and up his jaw.</p><p>Changbin sits him better in his lap, crouches touching, and Minho only now remembers he has no underwear on. He’s also getting shaky and shamelessly moaning at that. The other hisses at the contact, his fingers coming to his chest and taking his nipple, tugging at it slightly. Minho moans again, this time his body grimacing under his touch and Changbin takes that as a signal to twist it harder.</p><p>Minho’s hands are on his hips, keeping him in place and moving forwards slowly, both fully erect now. Minho wants more, wants to feel Changbin in his bones. The blue-haired man chuckles, and his laugh quickly becomes a whine when Minho finds a pace and runs with it.</p><p>“Take these off,” he growls on his skin, one hand tugging at his sweats.</p><p>Minho hums, lifting himself a little on his knees to lower his pants down and Changbin, seemly impatient, easies Minho off them quickly, making him fall on his back, hands on them and his face lights up seeing Minho’s length fully leaking on his thigh.</p><p>“You’re salivating.”</p><p>“Have you seen yourself?” Changbin says incredulous and peels his legs of his ripped black jeans.</p><p>“I could say the same.” Minho’s spread out under his eyes.</p><p>He can’t believe he’s about to have sex half naked, it’s been a while since he fooled around like this.</p><p>Changbin lifts him up again, this time pulling both his wrists with his hands and Minho giggles when they both end up in the previous position. Minho sits on his thighs now and he is tempted to move and cum only like that.</p><p>Changbin grips his hips, thumbing at his thighs a little, and moving him on his clothed dick. At some point he gets it out, shafts touching finally and Minho’s hands fly to his neck, pulling him closer.</p><p>“Changbin, I won’t last like tha–<em>fuck!</em>” Minho cries out, and he doesn’t want for it to end just yet.</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>, then choose,” Changbin loosens his grip, “my mouth or my hand?”</p><p>“Hand, I wanna touch you too, <em>please</em>.” Minho doesn’t hesitate to reply.</p><p>Changbin guides his hand between them, and Minho encircles his cock loosely, pumping it slowly.</p><p>It would be an understatement if Minho won’t describe the feeling of Changbin’s hand on him ethereal. The way he makes him feel perfect in every way he moves gives Minho the impression he is under a spell, Changbin could ask him whatever and Minho would grant his wishes.</p><p>Minho doesn’t even realize when his movements get sloppy and his hips start stuttering against Changbin’s but they end up ruining their shirts in the process, Changbin mouthing slightly at his collarbone as he comes down from his high.</p><p>Minho’s hands are on the hems of Changbin’s black shirt and before he can even ask for him to undress, they are already both naked and under his blankets.</p><p>They aren’t intoxicated this time – not that the first time they were that drunk – but sleep magically lands over Minho’s eyes with a soft hum. Probably Changbin.</p><p>It feels strange to have sex this way and then fall asleep right after, with someone else at home. With him, the man that is capable to keep his wolves away.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>The urge to find an excuse to why he is sleeping on Changbin’s chest is astronomical.</p><p>Waking up having his eyes in his sends him a big shiver down to his toes.</p><p>“Slept in.” Changbin only says but the moment Minho hums and smiles, his face sinks and he shifts to turn around.</p><p>Minho lifts slowly on one elbow, a hand on his shoulder, “you’re ok?”</p><p>“I am but,” he turns to look at him, getting flat, “I feel a little out of it.”</p><p>“Something’s on your mind?” Minho scoops closer a little, still not invading his personal space too much.</p><p>“I feel like I cannot do shit right, that I am never sure of how to do the right thing, that I am a coward for being like this, I cannot do more, I’m so fucked up,” Changbin’s voice has again that strained tone Minho hates, “sorry, it doesn’t make sense, but I feel like I never did enough.”</p><p>Minho shakes his head, “no, I understand, a little,” he says, squeezing his shoulder now, “I feel like I never did enough too sometimes, like I was too much in the wrong and that’s why I never got to treasure someone.” He whispers the last part as he moves to let his head fall on the pillow.</p><p>Minho knows Changbin’s speaking about them, about relationships. He would love to give Changbin confidence to act, he wants to give him energy, to let Changbin feed on his body, take what’s his. He lets go of everything that scares him the moment he is with him, he is learning to do it, to keep himself grounded.</p><p>Strangely, theirs is an exchange in Minho’s eyes. Minho is the blood, Changbin is the bones. But somehow, Changbin is always going back on his steps. Minho wants to give him his all but Changbin is not ok. He’s overwhelmed again, but then why?</p><p>What is it?</p><p>“I’m sorry…” he sits up.</p><p>Minho’s eyes narrow, he is getting confused now.</p><p>Changbin was about to tell him something, but then his eyes completely shifted and he’s now giving him a wounded look.</p><p>“I’m a mess, and you’re right, I’m unfair, fuck!” Changbin takes his head in his hands and Minho feels his heart sink.</p><p>“Hey,” Minho’s hand is on his back, soothing, “breathe, Changbin, you’re fine,” Changbin hugs him at that, “you’re ok, take your time, but I need you to explain to be what is happening, please, I don’t want to think I hurt you or something.”</p><p>“You didn’t,” he says through the sobs, “the problem is me, I promise, you did nothing wrong.”</p><p>He tries to compose himself better, Minho takes his face in his hands, wiping his tears away with his thumbs.</p><p>“Do you regret what we did?”</p><p>“No, it’s not that, Minho I just…”</p><p>He cannot say it. He cannot say what he really thinks. And Minho doesn’t really need to hear it.</p><p>Although, Changbin takes his hand and what actually comes from his mouth has the most sincere taste. Minho is taken aback by it.</p><p>Changbin speaks to him about some things he didn’t quite share on the phone. It seems to Minho like he wants him but he’s scared at the same time. Changbin looks like the type of person who would run to Minho and at the same time, keep running from him.</p><p>They have something too deep inside that keeps them apart and still pulls them closer: Minho is running from his past self, a person that he hated being, mostly careless and suffered a lot from loneliness because he didn’t like to have people that didn’t get him in his life but tried to accept their neglect anyways – and it pains him to admit it so much – while Changbin is being haunted by his other relationships and how much he falls and never gets up and overwhelms himself.</p><p>“I would like for you to devour me instead of those <em>ghosts</em>.” Changbin says, taking another shirt from his bag and putting in it on, his pants already tight on his hips. It seems he had another pair to change with him.</p><p>Changbin calls them ghosts. Sometimes Minho would love for his to be only that, and sometimes they are, but many times they are out for his blood.</p><p>“<em>Wolves</em>.” Minho murmurs, turning around to put some clothes on.</p><p>There is something embarrassing in getting dressed like this.</p><p>Changbin stands up, looking at him with so much pain that Minho just wants to kiss it away, tell him to stay, to try it for him, if this is what he wants.</p><p>But instead, he accompanies him to the door, not meeting his eyes if not when Changbin is opening it, leaning on the frame. He looks so sad but Minho is drowning too much in his own sadness to actually help him or say anything.</p><p>“Minho, I like you, but I’m too terrorized I will end up hurting you.” He says before the door closes completely. Minho’s knows he means it, and it’s not going to be that simple to ignore it now.</p><p>He hears him go, and <em>finally</em> lets himself crumble down, sliding down with his back at the door that now feels too heavy to open.</p><p>“I like you, too, Changbin,” he sniffles, forehead on his knees now and hugging his legs close to his chest, hoping to suffocate there, “but you’re wrong, you are hurting me now more.”</p><p>Changbin really left not saying much and Minho feels like the cruel world gave him one last big punishment because he can’t get over Changbin as he did with his exes.</p><p>‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾</p><p>Almost two months alone, not that Chan gave him time to feel bad about some things – he spilled him everything one day when Jisung invited him to visit their new apartment – but he still feels completely disconnected.</p><p>Why does he have to suffer so much for love? Why things have to be so complicated?</p><p>He knows Changbin is afraid, he is too, but <em>dammit</em> at least try if you want to?</p><p>Why do people leave him alone all the time?</p><p>The worst part is that they met again and again. Their friends usually hang out and they are both invited every time. But it hurts. It hurts to ignore each other. Minho knows Changbin feels something for him, but when their eyes meet, it’s like the whole world disappears and Minho sees vibrant colors.</p><p>Changbin opened Minho’s chest and let all the butterflies go, let all the slimy dark creatures dash against the walls and colored them bright blue after. Changbin painted his spine, his guts and changed him upside down.</p><p>Although Minho still feels the same.</p><p>Today is unbearable to have him so close yet so far.</p><p>Chan brought him to Changbin’s city, a big and colorful place, almost as colorful as him. And they are celebrating Felix and Hyunjin’s official engagement. Every single one of his friends are getting to this stage, it feels strange to be one of the ones left behind somehow. Seungmin’s another one, but he actually likes to be this way. Minho does not, he wants love. And the thought of his unreachable <em>lover</em> makes him nervous.</p><p>“You ok?” Jisung gets next to him.</p><p>“Yea, just,” Minho looks in Changbin’s direction one last time, before focusing on the man beside him, “a little down.”</p><p>“Nah, don’t give me that, you are in love.”</p><p>“Ji…”</p><p>“I’m sorry you have to suffer again, Min.” Jisung’s sweet, and Minho is lucky to have him in his life more than ever.</p><p>“I will be fine.”</p><p>“He likes you, he is a little dumb, but he is probably past a crush.”</p><p>“How can you call them crushes when you’re almost 27?” Minho snorts.</p><p>“Hey, we’re not hags, stop acting like an old man.”</p><p>“I don’t know, I guess what happened was the end of it, huh?”</p><p>“Maybe not, you two should talk.” Jisung takes out a cigarette and Minho frowns.</p><p>“Don’t tell me you’ve started…”</p><p>“I haven’t, I promise, but I’m a little drunk, so I am having a smoke with Channie later.”</p><p>“God, you two are so <em>cute</em>.” Minho drawls out.</p><p>“Big fan of ours?” Jisung giggles and taps on his pockets, looking for a lighter.</p><p>“Suffered more than you both, waiting for you two to finally kiss.”</p><p>“You hated us fucking right after.” Jisung laughs hard.</p><p>“You two make me believe it matters,” Minho trails off, taking a sip from his drink, “love, giving your best with someone… share.”</p><p>“It matters, it’s my favorite thing, to love.” Jisung says, getting a little shy and Minho eyes him, softly smiling.</p><p>“You love Chan so much, I am glad to have seen it evolve into this all these years.”</p><p>“I care about him more than anything, yes,” Jisung says, turning to wave at Chan approaching, “I also care about you a lot, I want to bring you home and protect you forever, I hate to see you suffer.”</p><p>“<em>Oh</em>, thanks for the invitation, but I won’t ever risk my back with you both ever again.” Minho teases.</p><p>“Yea, that didn’t work.”</p><p>“What didn’t work?” Chan bugs in, his hands on Minho’s shoulders, massaging them slightly.</p><p>“Jisung is alluding at that <em>night</em> again.” Minho rolls his eyes and Chan leans in to kiss his husband, “<em>ahh!</em>”.</p><p>Seriously, it wasn’t a mistake Minho remembers badly, but it was so weird. Yea, he’ll stick to hugs from them because he can’t keep up with their rhythm.</p><p>“We should try again…” Chan says simply, sitting in Jisung’s lap and taking his drink from the table.</p><p>“We can’t, my love, Minho is pining over Changbin, remember?”</p><p>Chan sighs, his serious frown returning on his face, “he didn’t speak to you, huh?” he asks, sipping the drink and making a disgusted face, gin is not for him.</p><p>“No, and I won’t do it first.”</p><p>“I agree, you should not, he needs time probably.” Chan nods.</p><p>“I don’t know, my love, I think Changbin wants Minho the same way, but he is scared he won’t give him his best.”</p><p>“I don’t want his best, I want his love, I know he feels something for me, and I know he is overwhelmed, but he has listen to me,” Minho trails out frustrated, “I get it, I am exaggerated, but we get each other, we can speak if something is wrong, I’m done running from myself and my fears, I want to share my fears and speak about them, because he showed me he cares, he wants to, but he gets cold feet too soon into it,” he finishes his drink, the terrible taste growing on him, “I want to give him space, but we need to talk, I want to see if with time, we can actually treat each other better, I want to give it a chance.”</p><p>Chan reaches for him but then stops, looking past his shoulders.</p><p>Minho turns and finds Changbin is standing there, facing him.</p><p>“Let’s have a smoke outside, baby,” Jisung taps Chan’s hand to tell him to go and leave them alone.</p><p>Minho has his eyes on Changbin, his hair is still a dark blue, Minho likes it, he regrets not brushing his fingers through it last time.</p><p>The man doesn’t say a word, he only offers him his hand.</p><p>Minho’s heart skips a beat.</p><p>Like that first time.</p><p>And like five or six months ago – Minho can’t remember the time it’s been – he takes it without hesitation.</p><p>A slow song, like that time. Changbin’s hands are in the same places they were that night, but this time Minho feels bolder and lets his forehead fall on his shoulder.</p><p>Yes, he is unfair.</p><p>How can this solve anything?</p><p>He’s been left alone again. The one he was falling in love with, actually ended up hurting him the worst. And Minho left him do. Minho gave him permission, wanted for him to make him feel different and it ended up worse. Even though, Minho would let him do it again.</p><p>Minho starts sobbing, Changbin’s hold on his waist is stronger, his fingers burry into him, he wants for them to leave traces.</p><p>“Let’s get out of here,” Changbin whispers to his ear and Minho snaps up, looking at his eyes.</p><p>Tears pooling there is enough for Minho to let go of his.</p><p>“I’m sorry, but we really need to go, do you want to come with me?”</p><p>Minho’s palm suffocates a sob before passing through his lips, and he nods.</p><p>“Min, I want to kiss you,” Changbin says, leaning in but before Minho can take his hand standing in his way, his lips softly touch the back of it.</p><p>It only makes Minho cry harder.</p><p>The blue-haired man takes his other hand, pulling him in his space, “let’s go?”</p><p>Minho hums, the other hand sliding from his mouth.</p><p>The air outside is strangely cold, but Minho’s hand is warmer than ever.</p><p>They pass next to Chan smoking, and the latter looks at both enough to make them stop. Minho signals him he’s ok, and he truly is, he wants to know what Changbin has to say after all.</p><p>If Chan knows something, it’s to mind his business. He had to be patient and wait for Minho to tell him everything.</p><p>Chan nods, and looks at Changbin one last time before turning around.</p><p>Minho feels the taste of salty tears in his mouth, a trembling hand in his and the cold breeze of the night on his cheeks as they walk.</p><p>“I actually live there,” Changbin points at a big complex of apartments and chuckles, “second floor, let’s go.”</p><p>Minho follows in his steps, and although he’s sure people are everywhere around the street, bars and club open at every corner, he only hears his heart ringing in his ears.</p><p>When he actually enters Changbin’s flat, he feels his tears threatening to fall once again. He knew he’ll end up crying being there, but he didn’t expect that soon.</p><p>He takes his jacket off, and so does Changbin.</p><p>“Hey,” the younger starts, a hand on his again after leaving it not even five minutes ago, “can I kiss you?”</p><p>Minho dives in to capture his lips as an answer.</p><p>He didn’t plan to be pushed in his room and on his bed, to get his lips completely tortured by Changbin, but it’s what is quickly happening, and maybe they don’t need to speak, maybe they need to connect, maybe they need to kiss their pain away.</p><p>Minho rolls them over, lifting up to take in Changbin’s face and he changes his mind right there.</p><p>They need to talk.</p><p>They have to speak, to decide what to do mostly.</p><p>Even if both are already on the same page – it seems Changbin’s eyes are so full of adoration and Minho wants to close his – and even if their bodies found each other, their minds are still to meet yet. Meet peacefully for once, not clash into each other as their bodies do. And Minho can see that Changbin has got his mind settled, but he won’t accept this as a communication just yet. No more.</p><p>And it pains him, to balance himself on his hands above him and only look him death in the eyes, Changbin gnawing on his lower lip like he can’t bear Minho not doing it instead of staring.</p><p>“It’s too much for you Changbin, please tell me…” he dares to speak, his voice panting.</p><p>Changbin whines at that, reaching to cup his cheek, “you know it’s not, I want it, I want you.”</p><p>And yes, Minho knows, but he needs for him to say it.</p><p>So, he stops anyway, taking his hand and intertwining their fingers, one arm going to help him lift up and sits him in his lap, kissing his face. In the same way Changbin did two months ago, and he feels him relax in his hug.</p><p>“Speak to me, pretty please, it’s driving me insane.” Minho whispers in his ear.</p><p>Changbin shakes in his arms, and Minho is yet to tell if it’s a good or bad sign.</p><p>“I don’t know how, I don’t know what to tell you…”</p><p>“Let’s start with <em>I’m sorry for telling you I like you and leaving you alone in your apartment</em>.”</p><p>“I’m a piece of shit, I know it, I really do, I thought about it over and over again.” He’s sobbing now but Minho can’t let that happen again, they have to be true to each other.</p><p>“You’re not, but you should maybe tell me what you want.”</p><p>“I want you, you know it.”</p><p>“I do, but you keep running from me.”</p><p>Changbin’s eyes widen, realizing what he said and somehow wanting to take it back.</p><p>“I can’t do this to you.” He shakes his head, not facing him.</p><p>“Do what?” Minho cocks an eyebrow, confused.</p><p>“What if we end up hating each other?” Changbin’s eyes reflect the lights outside a little too much for his liking.</p><p>Minho remembers the first time Changbin escaped through his fingers. He was so hurt when Minho told him – Chan being present as well – they won’t see each other soon. Minho thought he choose right, because Changbin didn’t want more. Turns out he was wrong.</p><p>Changbin is the first to want him.</p><p>They kept running in circles, trying to escape their demons but instead, they got caught and separated.</p><p>
  <em>Idiot.</em>
</p><p>“I can see through you Changbin, please don’t run from me,” Minho pleads, eyes glassy, “for once stop giving me mixed signals and tell me what is making you like this.”</p><p>“Min, I’m so fucking scared,” Changbin says on his neck, hugging him so close, “I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to leave you alone, I know how bad it’s for you, and if I become the reason you hate everything even more I’d rather n–”</p><p>“I don’t care, Changbin,” Minho cuts him off, hands going to lift his head to lock eyes, foreheads touching, “if you happen to make me feel bad, we’ll talk about it, I can endure it if it’s you, and I’m scared too, I know for you feelings this deep are too much sometimes, but you keep doing this to yourself and then trigger your fears this way, I’m scared we’ll end up hating each other as well, but I don’t want to lose you.” his voice is so strained, he knows he’s close to tears. His face goes in the crook of his shoulder and neck, inhaling that scent he’s so madly desperate for.</p><p>Changbin runs in his veins, is in his lungs, they exchange air, it’s so perfectly strange how much they tainted each other to the chore.</p><p>They are the same.</p><p>“You don’t overwhelm me, you never did, I did it myself, I like sharing every single thing with you, but I am scared I can’t love you right.” Changbin murmurs at his ear and it’s enough to make Minho go blind from the tears.</p><p>He sniffles hard, tries to contain his crying face but he can’t and Changbin holds him closer, kissing his head.</p><p>“You give me the best, please let’s just stay together, I feel everything with you, you are enough for me,” Minho cries hard, “and I like you too.”</p><p>Changbin sighs at that, then suddenly tenses, and Minho snaps up to look at him, “what just crossed your mind, would you tell me?”</p><p>“I’m past the liking phase.” He blushes and honestly, he is the cutest like this.</p><p>“We’re too old for this shit anyway.” Minho chuckles.</p><p>“We’re not, and I want to be with you,” Changbin rolls them over again and Minho’s head hits the soft pillow underneath, a familiar scent that will probably hunt him forever, “can you hold my hand when it becomes too much?” Changbin asks, offering his hand.</p><p>“Yes, I will hold you in my palms,” Minho takes it, their fingers playing with each other and Changbin sinks in the bed next to him, “I l–”</p><p>“Me too, don’t say it now, we’ll be ok,” Changbin rushes to say, and he looks sorry after, but Minho reassures him by squeezing his hand, “let’s sleep, I want to wake up with you in my arms.” He adds.</p><p>Minho’s heart is already a mess but this is on another level completely.</p><p>“You don’t want to have sex?” he asks, mostly teasing to break the tension.</p><p>“Not really, I’m ok with just this,” he says, kissing his nose and Minho sits up to take off the rest of his clothes, “it’s ok if we don’t, for tonight?”</p><p>Minho hums at first, helping Changbin up to help take off his pants.</p><p>It feels so domestic, Minho wonders if he’ll cry about it tomorrow.</p><p>“Of course, I hope you didn’t feel overwhelmed when we did it the past times.”</p><p>Changbin falls back on the bed again and Minho is there to wait for him, grabby hands to give him a big hug, “um no, I swear I didn’t, I enjoy it with you, you make me at ease, it’s always been ‘opening my eyes and seeing you not being mine’ the problem.”</p><p>Minho doesn’t mean to coo out loud, but he can’t help it now, “I am yours, will you be mine?” he asks on his lips and Changbin tugs him closer to his chest.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>‧☾</p><p>
  <strong>3am.</strong>
</p><p>“Did you stay to look at me that morning?” Minho’s fingers can <em>finally</em> play with his hair strands.</p><p>“Yes, I wanted to kiss you goodbye, but I didn’t want to wake you up.”</p><p>“Wanted to fuck that morning as well?”</p><p>“I did, can I get the chance to make up for that in like,” Changbin turns his head to look at the clock, “five hours or so?”</p><p>“Totally.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed this wild ride, I had so much fun writing it.<br/>As always, leave kudos and comments to the writer and also if you have some final considerations over this mess, overall if you want to scream at me as well.<br/>Here's my <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/Hana_Hana">cc</a> and <a href="https://mobile.twitter.com/mnhosuzuran">twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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